The Gift of Meditation: Connecting with this Vibrant Life

Meditation is like medicine for the heart. It can be profoundly healing during times of stress, difficulty or when we're feeling overwhelmed. Instead of living in a world of virtual thoughts and reactions, we come back home to the vibrant life that is right here in our body, mind and heart. How do we do this? By consciously connecting with the breath and sensations in the body.

Awareness of breath is the first step towards reconnecting with life and wellbeing...

"Breathing is the bridge between mind and body, the connection between consciousness and unconsciousness, the movement of spirit in matter. Breath is the key to health and wellness, a function we can learn to regulate and develop in order to improve our physical, mental and spiritual well-being." Dr. Andrew Weil

Connecting to the breath, can be a first step towards developing awareness, about how we're relating to what to life. This conscious awareness is what helps us to notice when we're caught up in thoughts or beliefs. It helps us see, that what's happening in our lives isn't what causes suffering; it's the way we're relating to it. We can pause and shift out of reaction/thoughts/beliefs and notice how:

• the body is reacting to pain (tightening, heart racing, defenses arising)
• whats happening in the mind (reactive/defensive thoughts closes and contracts our ability to be open minded and our minds can feel closed and contracted i.e. narrow minded)
• what happens in the heart (we armor our hearts to try to protect ourselves from getting hurt only to experience deeper hurt).

This pausing, to step outside the world of thoughts and into our felt experience is actually freeing. We begin to see how our reaction to life is fueled by the way we think life should/shouldn't be. We notice how our whole being is caught up in resistance and how this intensifies the pain we encounter. With this insight we can begin to shift from reaction to response. We can begin to attune and respond with compassion to what is actually happening in the present moment. Breathing in, I meet tension with a compassionate breath, breathing out I soften the tension... Just tuning into the breath can begin to soften the contraction we experience when pain arises in body, mind and heart.

Meditation as a path to waking up....

Meditation helps us reconnect with the vibrant life that is right here. Instead of being caught up in stories, worries or concerns about past or future we come into contact with what is actually happening moment to moment. There is a stream of life that flows through us and when we pause to notice we reconnect with spacious, open awareness.

Gift yourself today by pausing to practice. It may seem like you don't have time...the question is do you have time to live? Do you have time to breathe? The answer is of course yes! Your body breathes and you need the breath to live...so take time to pause and connect with the life that's right here.

There is much more I can say about this practice. For today it's enough to know that this practice has  transformed the way I relate to others, myself and life and that is a gift!

Listen to this beautiful meditation by Jack Kornfield, a wise and wonderful teacher of mindfulness.




May you be peaceful and well

Meeting fear with acceptance and wisdom

"If we do not turn inwards and train our mind, but instead expend all our energy on arranging and rearranging the external aspects of our existence, then our suffering will continue." 

We often worry about things beyond our control. So, if there's something I'm ruminating over, I often find it helpful to ask the question "How can I help myself right now?"  

The practice of mindfulness helps us to stay present, for our lived experience. As we practice mindfulness we are learning to respond to life in ways that are helpful, instead of reacting in ways that create suffering. 

In order to help ourselves, we must first be aware of how we are relating, to what is happening our lives. The first place we need to turn towards, is our inner experience. Taking a moment to connect with our lived experience in body, mind and heart is essential. 
Pausing, we connect with the breath, notice the quality of attention. With a real committment to be mindful to what is happening we ask:

• Is the mind scattered?
• What are the quality of thoughts? Worried, agitated, restless
• How is the body? Are there areas of tension perhaps in the shoulders, hands, or face?
• What about the breathing? Is the breath shallow or tight?
• Is there constriction or heaviness in the heart area?
• As you notice what you are holding in the mind, begin to allow thoughts to fade into the background and gently focus on the breath.
• Breathing in, feel the breath come into the nostrils, chest and belly.
• See if you can soften tension in the body and heart by breathing in and then softening on the exhale.
• Relax tension wherever you can.
• Feel sensations in the body and watch how they shift and change. 
• If you're overwhelmed, use the breath as an anchor to keep you in the present moment. Breathing in, stay present, breathing out, let go and soften where possible.
• Use the following mantra by the Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh " Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.”

As we connect with our lived experience, we let go of living in stories or thoughts about how lfe should be and come to accept it the way it is. This is a very important shift, as we are able to connect, with the aliveness, energy and vibrant body, heart and mind. It is only when we open in this intimate way, that we can help ourselves. Otherwise, we're caught in the trap of trying to fix, rescue, dismiss or avoid what is happening in our lives. We're reacting instead of responding. Ultimately, we are trying to control that which we don't like, or we're clinging and trying to keep that which we like.

Underneath the need for control is fear

Underneath the need for control, is the wanting to know how things are going to be in the future. Questions arise about how long this good feeling, relationship or situation will last.  We want to feel safe and so it follows, that if we know what is going to happen, we can some how prevent it. While there is some truth to this, it's also true that we can't predict every outcome. Nor should we! Life is constantly changing and nothing is permanent. Every day we age a little bit more. People get sick, we lose loved ones, a job or material wealth. Many things can happen, that are beyond our control and this is the nature of life.  We can't predict what is going to happen as we move through our day. We can plan as best we can and then let go. The more we try to control the more we suffer.

In learning to plan and then take our hands off the controls, we learn to be connected to the life that's right here!  In shifting, from future or past, to present moment awareness we can begin to respond from a place of wisdom instead of a place of worry and catastrophizing. So the real question is can you live with the I don't know.

As Philip Moffitt, a Meditation Teacher at Spirit Rock states, "The proper response is when fear is present is threefold: 

• Continual mindfulness of the fear, 
• Deep compassion for the suffering it is causing, 
• Cultivation of equanimity that allows you to stay with it. 

You will find that the dharma will do the rest. 

May you be well 

The proper response is threefold: continual mindfulness of the fear, deep compassion for the suffering it is causing, and cultivation of equanimity that allows you to stay with it. You will find that the dharma will do the rest. - See more at: http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/freedom-fear#sthash.M3wYxldF.dpuf

The proper response is threefold: continual mindfulness of the fear, deep compassion for the suffering it is causing, and cultivation of equanimity that allows you to stay with it. You will find that the dharma will do the rest. - See more at: http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/freedom-fear#sthash.M3wYxldF.dpuf

The proper response is threefold: continual mindfulness of the fear, deep compassion for the suffering it is causing, and cultivation of equanimity that allows you to stay with it. You will find that the dharma will do the rest. - See more at: http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/freedom-fear#sthash.M3wYxldF.dpuf

See Life as it Truly is...let go of black and white thinking...

Beyond views of right/wrong there is life....

Sometimes we get caught up in seeing life as right/wrong, good/bad or through the filter of should/shouldn't. We judge ourselves or others and use labels such as he is good/kind or mean/bad person. These labels create separation and pain and we miss out on seeing the whole person. We see the behavior not the person. We are all human and made up of light and shadow. Sometimes our actions come from a place of love, kindness and understanding. Sometimes our actions come from hurt, resentment, and pain. Meeting pain with more pain (judgment and shame) leads to  disconnection and suffering. Looking at each other as humans who are vulnerable, who have a need for love and connection can help us soften our reactivity and defensiveness.

Today take the opportunity to really look...see the person beyond the behavior...look with compassion, love and understanding. It is often when we open our hearts, when we're vulnerable that we can see beyond the surface. Sometimes we label because we ourselves are afraid of getting hurt. Take time to really connect with what is happening within you as you connect with the world
. 
I love this poem by Rumi which speaks to this:

Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field.  I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,

the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase each other

doesn't make any sense.

May you be peaceful...

Meditation is...

Post by Wisdom Pills.

When Meditating...

Be patient
Be kind
Listen to the inner world of sensation

Offer good will towards yourself
Send it out to others
Open your heart to...
Compassion

Connect with the mind
That is spacious like the sky
Watch thoughts flow in and out
Feel the breath flow in and out
The ebb and flow of emotions and energy

Notice what it's like right here
Right now
Open, stable, attentive
In the moment

C. Ricardo 10-13-14

In Search of Happiness?

"True happiness is something that, by its nature, gets spread around.” Buddha

It seems a no brainer that if I were to ask, if you want to be happy, your response would be a resounding Yes! I believe that all of us want to be happy and what often gets in the way is when we seek it in things, people or status.

• So when was the last time you felt happy? 
• What does happiness mean to you?
• Is it money, relationship or peace of mind?

I'll be happy when...and if...

Have you ever found yourself saying or thinking these words?  Prior to learning and practicing mindfulness, I found myself yearning for things to be different. I really believed, if only things were different (more money, more time, less worry) I'd be happy. So I'd dwell in the world of "what if and if only and was miserable. My attention and energy were hooked in pursuing happiness in things and trying to control the world around me. This just kept me racing through life and getting no where. It was exhausting and I was piling on more stress to what was already a stressful. 

The awakened heart opens us to life

We come into balance when we learn to let go of reacting to stress or trying to control the world around us or within. When we learn to respond instead of react to challenges in life with acceptance and compassion we're able to reconnect with the vibrancy around us.  We're able to feel more connected to the things that nourish the mind and cultivate loving connection. This allows us to open to life. We see both the beauty and the suffering and don't judge one as better than the other. So instead of turning our eyes away and closing our hearts to suffering, we're able to stay present and respond with compassion and loving kindness.  It can be challenging to do this as letting our guard down and opening our hearts is counter intuitive. It goes against striving and survival. The benefits out weigh the challenges.  When we approach life with an awakened heart it opens us to life, love and our energy that is tied up in worry is free to appreciate life in the moment. Even when things are difficult, when we practice mindfulness we have more clarity of mind, our hearts are more open to life, compassion and happiness.

Mindfulness is a conscious choice...

All of this is great in theory but mindfulness is not about theories. It is about the lived experience. Right now pause and notice the following:

• What's the body like in this moment as you read this? 
• What emotion is felt? 
• Has this article triggered memories from the past? Hope for the future? 

As you finish reading this take at least a five minute break and:

• Close  your eyes and tune into the body
• Breathing in feel the sensation of breath coming into the body
• Breathing out soften and relax the body and heart.

Take time to consciously connect with this moment. It truly is a gift and can lead to meeting life with acceptance, compassion and happiness.

May you be well

Meeting Reactivity wth Compassion

"Reactive responses are triggers and are like invisible land mines tied to deeper hurts, fears and pain. Meeting reactivity with compassion can help tame the reactive mind, body and heart." C. Ricardo

    

Are you aware of your triggers? How do you react when something painful or hurtful happens? Do you blame yourself or others? How does this affect you (body, mind and heart)?

     We all have triggers. There are certain situations, feelings or interactions that when touched set off a reactive/defensive response within us. This defensive response is often instinctual and automatic. It's a natural response to pain and meant to protect us from danger. However, it can backfire when we react in hurtful and wounding ways towards ourselves or others. So there is the pain that lies beneath the trigger and there is the defensive response that is meant to protect us but instead creates more distance, hurt and can potentially turn into  suffering.

The first arrow is the pain in life, the second is suffering...

     This reminds me of a story I heard about how Buddha approached teaching a student about suffering. Buddha asked the student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” and the student replied “It is.” Then the Buddha asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?”  again the student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”  

     The first arrow is the pain we encounter in life, the second arrow is the layer of thoughts, stories and meaning we attribute to the pain. This added layer is suffering. There are many instances where this happens in everyday life. You might be in a hurry to get to the office and stuck in traffic. As you sit there inching along, frustration begins to build. You begin feeling angry and impatient. Once your emotions are triggered your body responds by tensing up. Your heart begins to race and your muscles contract. By the time you get to the office, it feels like steam is coming out of your ears and when a co-worker greets you with a welcoming smile you lash out at them. Or maybe you made a mistake and dropped coffee on your brand new shirt and  your inner judge goes on the war path criticizing an shaming you for not paying attention. The point is that the problem isn't the trigger, it's the way we react to it. 

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." Victor Frankl

     Much of the time pain turns to suffering because we are in some way resisting our experience. We may be  caught up in the world of thoughts, emotions, past regrets or guilt or perhaps we're trying to control the situation or outcome. When we engage with what is happening in our lives in this way, we lose our ability to respond and instead are reacting, trying to fix or in some way control the outcome. We're usually doing this in an effort to dampen or avoid pain, but it doesn't work. In fact, it has the opposite effect of transforming pain to suffering. Meeting pain with resistance causes us to disconnect from our bodies, minds and hearts. It is this disconnection that creates suffering as we tend to go inwards and in doing so feel alone and adrift in a whirlwind of thoughts that may be filled with judgment and fear. To help ourselves, we need to shift back into connection, into the present moment. When we are triggered and pause before reacting, we're able to be present and that moment is an opportunity to shift from reacting to responding. If we really want to stay connected with our values, with the people that matter most in our lives (starting with yourself!) we must be willing to shift the reactive response to one of understanding, love and compassion. This shift is a moment of profound awareness as we notice how the reactive defense is affecting our body, mind, heart. This moment of awareness is a moment of mindfulness.

When challenging/painful situations arise meet the pain with compassion and mindfulness...

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." Carl G. Jung

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_jung.html#JX43ujOaSmepzu1I.99

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_jung.html#JX43ujOaSmepzu1I.99

     The first step towards helping ourselves is to become aware of when we are getting caught up in a story or when our emotions are so overwhelming that we and the emotion become fused. The next time you are feeling overwhelmed pause and reflect on the following questions:

• What is happening in your body right now? (Tension, heart rate is fast, breathing is shallow)
• How are your thoughts affecting you emotionally? (feeling hurt, sad, angry)
• What are you believing? (my partner doesn't love me)
• Before you react, can you pause and call on the breath to help you ground yourself?  
• As you breathe in really tune into the breath. Think of the breath as an act of self care that helps tame reactive emotions.  
• Notice how you' re caught up in reactivity; reacting to what is happening. 

We need to pause, breathe and bring a feeling of love and kindness towards ourselves. It's important to express understanding and acknowledge the difficulty we are experiencing in going through this challenging time, event, situation or feeling. This pausing and connecting helps us come back to the moment...it is only a first step but an important one.

Awareness, compassion and learning to stay in the face of pain are essential to healing and connection... 

Awareness is what can help us find our way back to connect with body, breath and life...An acronym that can help is R.A.I.N. it stands for:

Recognize - what is happening. That you've gotten hooked and drifted into thoughts or stories.

Allow - open to your experience. Bring acceptance to meet the pain. If sadness is present then name it and notice where you feel it in your body and pause..can you soften around the sadness...let go of resisting it or judging yourself for it (i.e. I'm weak or silly for feeling this).

Intimacy/Investigate - Get Intimate with what is happening - how are you reacting to your experience. Are you pushing it away? What is in need of attention or kindness?

Non-attachment - know that what you are experiencing (fear, sadness, anger) is an experience you are having and not who you are. For example some people will say I'm just a sad or angry person. You aren't sad every minute of the day and you can't be angry all the time. Being able to see what is happening without getting hooked to it helps you to be more open to the experience.

These are some tips on ways to begin to explore this healing practice.

May you be well

May you be free from suffering

May you be peaceful

Expand your world view and open to life and love...Part 1

To see things from a different perspective and expand our view of  the world is to be open to life and everything in it. When we open our mind, heart and body to pain, joy, love and life, we shift from a narrow view based on past experiences, hurts, joys, and sadness to see things from another perspective. This opening to life helps us grow and also opens our heart to connect with all of life.

Opening to awareness, compassion and acceptance allows us to experience all of life. The pleasant and unpleasant. We can't grow and heal if we remain closed to certain experiences.

When we are fearful and tighten up in response to fear we become paralyzed and only experience a fraction of life. We get stuck in our view of the world and it's like being trapped in a room where the windows are painted on. We don't see the world; everyone and everything in it for all the wonder, beauty, sorrow, pain, joy that it holds. We only see our narrow view of it. This limits how we experience others as we only see fragments of the people we come into contact with. We may judge others and look for those whose world view is like ours in an effort to stay "comfortable and safe, ". The irony is that in trying to stay "safe" we end up stuck in a room with our own fears, hurts, defenses, etc. We may get glimpses of how expansive the world is and how expansive we are beyond the small fearful self but again we retreat at any sign of fear, threat, etc.

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. .”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

Opening your eyes to see from another's perspective can bring healing and growth... 

In opening our minds to see the world through other eyes we get a different perspective on life. We learn about each others wishes, hopes, dreams, sadness and pain. This is a moment of profound connection of opening our hearts and really wanting to be present to life and each other.

It's challenging and fear can arise with each step we take.  We move out of our comfort zone into  the unknown world of other. In beginning to expand our world view, opening our mind and heart to each other we begin to see beyond the small self, beyond ego and here lies the potential for healing and growth. Seeing the world from a different perspective can help us grow in areas where we are stuck. It can help us heal past hurts and begin to free up our energy so that we can be more connected with our aliveness (ability to feel, act, think and sense). We begin to see the full richness of the world around us; the colors, fragrance, emotions, sensations, etc. This stepping out of the old way of seeing and doing things is uncomfortable and scary. If you really want to feel alive, if you want to experience new things then you must open to life.

 

It really is a choice; to live on guard and at war with self and others or to be open and vulnerable and yes, risk the possibility of getting hurt.

Which do you choose?

Until next time...

May you be well... 

P.S. I will be posting a 2nd part to this with steps on how to help you practice opening the mind and heart. Questions? Please feel free to contact me. :-)

 

Help! I lost My Other Half!

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

I remember the first day, the first moment that I met my husband. It was as if time stood still and it was just the two of us, gazing into each others eyes. We talked for hours. We spoke about nothing and everything. In my eyes it was the most brillant, interesting conversation I'd ever had with anyone. It was that "I found my soulmate!" moment. He talked and I listened. I talked and he listened. Oh what a perfect couple we made! Until...

I started noticing at times, when I spoke, he'd get a glazed look in his eye and wasn't really listening. Or he would talk to me and my mind would be elsewhere (like thinking about how I really needed to go to the grocery store right in that moment!). We'd end up getting angry, throwing sarcasm, blame and criticisms at each other. He'd say that I wasn't interested in what he had to say and I would yell back that maybe this was because all he did was talk and never listen. Little things like this started happening more often and soon the rosy glow of first love started to fade.

Essential Ingredients of a healthy, loving relationship...

If we kept going down this path we would have ended our relationship. Fortunately, the foundation of our love for each other, the friendship, connection and respect we have for each other is strong enough to help us learn from our differences, our past hurts and where we still need to grow. We've had our fair share of highs and lows, just as life does, but overall we have learned a great deal about areas that are tender and in need of healing and areas that have been stunted in growth and need to be encouraged to develop



Growth and healing can only happen in relationships if you are willing to risk. If you can open up to your partner and speak from the heart, then your relationship has the potential to help you connect with the joy, lifeforce and aliveness that is present in each and everyone of us.

Developing an intimate relationships is a lifelong journey!

It means opening yourself to being seen both for what you love about yourself and what you don’t. It also means being vulnerable and open to getting hurt by the Other. Because there are two different people with their own experiences, views, feelings, etc. conflict will happen and can be a catalyst for personal and relational change. You can’t have intimacy with out risk. Learning how to move towards intimacy with openness, curiosity and a desire to know the other is the key. It's a skill that all of us are capable of learning. It's not easy and sometimes we need support along the way.

Are you ready to take the plunge?

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balanced, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit: http://www.acaringcounselor.net/