Help! I lost My Other Half!

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

I remember the first day, the first moment that I met my husband. It was as if time stood still and it was just the two of us, gazing into each others eyes. We talked for hours. We spoke about nothing and everything. In my eyes it was the most brillant, interesting conversation I'd ever had with anyone. It was that "I found my soulmate!" moment. He talked and I listened. I talked and he listened. Oh what a perfect couple we made! Until...

I started noticing at times, when I spoke, he'd get a glazed look in his eye and wasn't really listening. Or he would talk to me and my mind would be elsewhere (like thinking about how I really needed to go to the grocery store right in that moment!). We'd end up getting angry, throwing sarcasm, blame and criticisms at each other. He'd say that I wasn't interested in what he had to say and I would yell back that maybe this was because all he did was talk and never listen. Little things like this started happening more often and soon the rosy glow of first love started to fade.

Essential Ingredients of a healthy, loving relationship...

If we kept going down this path we would have ended our relationship. Fortunately, the foundation of our love for each other, the friendship, connection and respect we have for each other is strong enough to help us learn from our differences, our past hurts and where we still need to grow. We've had our fair share of highs and lows, just as life does, but overall we have learned a great deal about areas that are tender and in need of healing and areas that have been stunted in growth and need to be encouraged to develop



Growth and healing can only happen in relationships if you are willing to risk. If you can open up to your partner and speak from the heart, then your relationship has the potential to help you connect with the joy, lifeforce and aliveness that is present in each and everyone of us.

Developing an intimate relationships is a lifelong journey!

It means opening yourself to being seen both for what you love about yourself and what you don’t. It also means being vulnerable and open to getting hurt by the Other. Because there are two different people with their own experiences, views, feelings, etc. conflict will happen and can be a catalyst for personal and relational change. You can’t have intimacy with out risk. Learning how to move towards intimacy with openness, curiosity and a desire to know the other is the key. It's a skill that all of us are capable of learning. It's not easy and sometimes we need support along the way.

Are you ready to take the plunge?

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balanced, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit: http://www.acaringcounselor.net/

THE ART OF INTIMACY

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A YELLOW PATH

There are two paths that couples can take when conflict happens. When couples are in distress and in pain they will usually travel down the well-trodden path called the Power Struggle. There is another path called healing and growth but most couples have not received the tools or skills needed to travel down this road.

The Path to the Power Struggle

When conflict arises our natural response is to do something. Everything in our being; physically, emotionally and mentally prepares us to respond to a perceived threat. At times we react as if our life is being threatened. When this happens our rational mind goes out the window and what is present is our primitive brain/defenses which is shouting DEFEND, DESTROY, FLEE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!! When we are caught up in this reactive dance our connection with our partner is ruptured and we enter into a familiar, painful dance called the Power Struggle. The end result of this dance is a deep wounding of each other and ourselves. This is not what most couples yearn for but unfortunately they don't know what else to do and often find themselves stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere fast.

The Path Towards Healing and Growth

There is another way/path we can take when conflict arises; a healing path that leads to understanding, love, growth and connection!

As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist I have encountered many couples who are stuck in their relationship, wanting to heal but lacking the tools or skills to build a more loving, empathic and intimate relationship. This is where a healing approach is essential and it is what I teach couples both in therapy sessions and in my workshops.

I guide couples on how to develop safety, learn to set aside reactivity, defenses, the story they are telling themselves about their partner and connect with their partner in a way that brings connection, healing and empathy into the relational space.

I use Imago Relationship Therapy to help couple's transform their relationship; teaching them how to:

• Become a safe, healing and loving presence for each other
• Connect through empathy and compassion instead ofcontempt and anger
• Take responsibility for their own feelings
• Understand how they each contribute to the conflict
• Approach conflict in a different way so that they learn more about each other and develop deeper intimacy, passion and joy

Steps towards Connection

The next time conflict arises and try using the following steps:

Become aware of the physical, emotional and mental cues that signal you are feeling wounded and are preparing to lash out or run away:

• PICTURE A STOP SIGN
• Take as many breaths as you need to in order to soothe yourself
• Become aware of the story you are telling yourself and buying into.
• If you are still reactive call a time out.
• During the time out look at your own actions (How did I contribute to the conflict? What is my wound that is being touched by my partner?)
• Come back, invite your partner to visit your world only bringing their heart, eyes and ears
• Share what you have discovered about yourself, your triggers, your reactions with your partner.
• Share how you would like to be different, what needs healing, what in you needs to grow.
• Thank your partner for listening as this is truly a gift.-Acknowledge and appreciate each others effort.

For more information about our services please feel free please visit my website at http://www.acaringcounselor.net/