What you are seeking is right here...

Have you ever been on a quest to find the perfect person, place, feeling or thing?  What happens when you find it? Does it satisfy you? 

So it could be that we're looking for someone who will love us just the way we are and we want that person to be with us forever. We want to feel a sense of security and safety whether it's in relationship, at work or in the world. As humans we seek connection and security. We want to feel loved so we seek a partner who, when we're with them we experience a feeling of being treasured. Or we want to feel financially secure so we work long hours, and save every thing we can. But sometimes we go to the extreme. So we save our money but our social life is non-existant and when we are with our beloved we're irritable and exhausted. Caught up in the illusion of if only I had _____all will be well, we seek happiness and peace in the external world and end up like a cat chasing it's tail; occasionally they catch the tail but then it slips out of their grasp. So the wanting/seeking can be so intense to the point of being painful. This is what the Buddha called desire and with desire comes suffering/stress/dissatisfaction. 

Soon after "we" get what we want, we get bored, frustrated, criticize it or want more of it. It's like an insatiable monster that is never satisfied. The monster is the mind and what keeps us seeking are the way we relate to our thoughts. We often relate to thoughts as if they are true. Sometimes our thoughts follow a story line and pretty soon we've written a whole novel about something that hasn't happened, isn't happening and may never happen. Sometimes the story can be pleasant, unpleasant and sometimes it's just downright boring but in the end it's just a story. The reality is that life is passing and instead of connecting with the vibrancy and aliveness that surrounds us we are living in our heads. Our hearts are closed off and our aliveness is dulled. It's as Tara Brach,  meditation teacher and Psychotherapist says, it's like we're caught in a trance...we cut off from our bodies and we leave "this space of awareness that is the source and essence of all aliveness."  

Mindfulness Meditation helps us reconnect to life as it's happening....

Meditation helps us come into direct contact with what is happening within us, as it's happening.  As we come into stillness we watch the movement of the mind; we witness thoughts arising and passing awayAs we breathe and feel the breath come into the body we come into direct contact with this aliveness. The practice of meditation allows us to train the mind so that when it wanders off into thoughts we notice and that moment of noticing is a moment of mindfulness. It's a moment of connecting with the present, of opening to emotions, sensations and thoughts as they are happening. In Vipassana (Insight Meditation) practice we begin to investigate using the acronym of RAIN as follows:

Applying the acronym of R.A.I.N. is a great way to begin practicing mindfulness. Just the shift towards opening to this practice helps us to recognize that being present for our moment to moment experience, to be connected to our body, mind and heart, to see things as they really are and to respond in a way  that is healing and healthy is essential to our overall well-being. We begin to notice the the life around us, we open our hearts to each other. Not in some new age or "kumba ya" manner, but in an authentic, compassionate and kind manner. Why? Because we realize that we are all walking in the same direction. Everyone of us, no matter what we look like on the outside, or how much money we have/don't have, are made of the same matter. We have a body, mind and heart; are vulnerable to illness, old age, death and change and in the end the only thing we have control over is how we respond to life. As beautifully stated by Thich Nhat Hanh in the drawing below.

In the tug and pull of desire’s grip
I unravel
Tattered shreds of a once regal robe fall away
Nothing comes….nothing
I ride out the battle
with time and breath
time and breath
time and breath
Acceptance breezes in (crafty sage that she is)
Wraps this heart in sumptuous golden silk
Warms this heart to a trusting stillness, then
Leaves a knowing kiss upon this slowly smoothing brow.

Donna Sherman, “Acceptance”

Help! I lost My Other Half!

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

I remember the first day, the first moment that I met my husband. It was as if time stood still and it was just the two of us, gazing into each others eyes. We talked for hours. We spoke about nothing and everything. In my eyes it was the most brillant, interesting conversation I'd ever had with anyone. It was that "I found my soulmate!" moment. He talked and I listened. I talked and he listened. Oh what a perfect couple we made! Until...

I started noticing at times, when I spoke, he'd get a glazed look in his eye and wasn't really listening. Or he would talk to me and my mind would be elsewhere (like thinking about how I really needed to go to the grocery store right in that moment!). We'd end up getting angry, throwing sarcasm, blame and criticisms at each other. He'd say that I wasn't interested in what he had to say and I would yell back that maybe this was because all he did was talk and never listen. Little things like this started happening more often and soon the rosy glow of first love started to fade.

Essential Ingredients of a healthy, loving relationship...

If we kept going down this path we would have ended our relationship. Fortunately, the foundation of our love for each other, the friendship, connection and respect we have for each other is strong enough to help us learn from our differences, our past hurts and where we still need to grow. We've had our fair share of highs and lows, just as life does, but overall we have learned a great deal about areas that are tender and in need of healing and areas that have been stunted in growth and need to be encouraged to develop



Growth and healing can only happen in relationships if you are willing to risk. If you can open up to your partner and speak from the heart, then your relationship has the potential to help you connect with the joy, lifeforce and aliveness that is present in each and everyone of us.

Developing an intimate relationships is a lifelong journey!

It means opening yourself to being seen both for what you love about yourself and what you don’t. It also means being vulnerable and open to getting hurt by the Other. Because there are two different people with their own experiences, views, feelings, etc. conflict will happen and can be a catalyst for personal and relational change. You can’t have intimacy with out risk. Learning how to move towards intimacy with openness, curiosity and a desire to know the other is the key. It's a skill that all of us are capable of learning. It's not easy and sometimes we need support along the way.

Are you ready to take the plunge?

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balanced, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit: http://www.acaringcounselor.net/

Blame: The Poison that Destroys Relationships

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you" - Wayne Dyer

Want to save your relationship? Want to put an end to the blame game? Well there is a way out of the power struggle and it begins with you!

Most of us know when we are being blamed. It's usually in the words we hear. Things like "It's all your fault!" or "You did that on purpose!" However, it is harder to know when we are the ones doing the blaming. Part of what makes it difficult to recognize is that protecting or defending ourselves against pain is instinctual. Our immediate reaction to pain is to try to make it go away. In fact, the stronger the pain, the harder we try to eliminate or minimize it.

Physical pain (if not severe) can be easier to deal with. If you have a headache, you take medicine and in 15 minutes or less the pain is gone! Emotional distress or pain is a very different story.

When we are in emotional pain we usually look around for the culprit and if we identify our partner as the one who caused it we immediately go into blaming mode. This only leads to increased pain and frustration.

You know you are blaming when you engage in any of the following behaviors:

- If only you wouldn’t do _ I wouldn't have done that!
- You always make me feel ___
- It’s all of your fault!
- You never listen!

Blaming keeps you stuck in some of the following ways:

- When you blame someone else it keeps you in the role of victim/matyr
- Blame leads to feelings of anger and resentment, which contributes to distance and pain in relationships.
- It blocks you from getting what you want and being able to take an active role in your own life!

It's much easier to blame someone else then it is to take responsibility for your own reactions, choices, behaviors, thoughts, or feelings.

So where does it all begin?

WE LEARN DEFENSIVE/PROTECTIVE BEHAVIORS FROM AN EARLY AGE

This picture demonstrates how early we start learning to protect and defend ourselves! There is a valid reason for this behavior. It is a coping skill that we learn in order to survive in our environment (at home, in society, with friends).

If we grew up in homes where making mistakes was not tolerated and the consequences doing so were painful then blaming others may have become a way of life. After all safety is the key to survival! On the other hand we may have learned to take the blame or to take responsibility for anything and everything that went wrong. Either one of these behaviors; is an extreme and leads to building up defenses to cover our vulnerability.

Reacting defensively doesn't help us get what we want in relationship. It hard to connect with a loved one when we are armored, protecting ourselves or engaging in defensive behaviors.

So what is the answer? How can we change this behavior?

THE ANTIDOTE TO BLAME

The key is to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and experiences; learn from them and make a conscious effort to make healthier and healing choice. Putting this into practice can be extremely difficult and challenging. What's difficult about it? Well it requires that you be vulnerable, let go of defensiveness and really take a look at your part in the conflict.

The challenge is to look at your self and ask, "How are my thoughts, behaviors, choices or feelings contributing to what is going on in my relationship?" or ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

TO GET SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Try the following exercise to help you switch from blaming to taking responsibility:

Make a list of the things that frustrate you about your spouse . For example, "I hate it when I have something important to share and my partner doesn't listen to me."

Become aware of the story you tell yourself about what this means. (When my partner doesn't listen to me it means that he doesn't care about me!

Take responsibility for how you react or feel when this happens. Following the above example if I then get defensive and yell at him or shut down and refuse to talk to him, I contribute to the conflict."

Instead I can request a time to talk to him without distractions.

I can put myself in my partner’s shoes and realize that there may be deeper issue here and they may have difficulty talking about certain touchy subjects.

I can invite my partner to discuss this letting him/her know that I really want to understand.

The bottom line is that you can't change your life by blaming others. You can only change your life by taking responsibility for yourself and making healthier, empowered choices.

Cindy Ricardo is a Certified Imago Therapist and a LMHC. She has a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida where she provides individual and couples counseling. Cindy also runs workshops for Couples helping them learn how to create loving, intimate and supportive relationship. If you would like more information please contact her at 954-793-6442, email her at acaringcounselor@yahoo.com or visit her website at http://www.acaringcounselor.net/

THE ART OF INTIMACY

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A YELLOW PATH

There are two paths that couples can take when conflict happens. When couples are in distress and in pain they will usually travel down the well-trodden path called the Power Struggle. There is another path called healing and growth but most couples have not received the tools or skills needed to travel down this road.

The Path to the Power Struggle

When conflict arises our natural response is to do something. Everything in our being; physically, emotionally and mentally prepares us to respond to a perceived threat. At times we react as if our life is being threatened. When this happens our rational mind goes out the window and what is present is our primitive brain/defenses which is shouting DEFEND, DESTROY, FLEE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!! When we are caught up in this reactive dance our connection with our partner is ruptured and we enter into a familiar, painful dance called the Power Struggle. The end result of this dance is a deep wounding of each other and ourselves. This is not what most couples yearn for but unfortunately they don't know what else to do and often find themselves stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere fast.

The Path Towards Healing and Growth

There is another way/path we can take when conflict arises; a healing path that leads to understanding, love, growth and connection!

As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist I have encountered many couples who are stuck in their relationship, wanting to heal but lacking the tools or skills to build a more loving, empathic and intimate relationship. This is where a healing approach is essential and it is what I teach couples both in therapy sessions and in my workshops.

I guide couples on how to develop safety, learn to set aside reactivity, defenses, the story they are telling themselves about their partner and connect with their partner in a way that brings connection, healing and empathy into the relational space.

I use Imago Relationship Therapy to help couple's transform their relationship; teaching them how to:

• Become a safe, healing and loving presence for each other
• Connect through empathy and compassion instead ofcontempt and anger
• Take responsibility for their own feelings
• Understand how they each contribute to the conflict
• Approach conflict in a different way so that they learn more about each other and develop deeper intimacy, passion and joy

Steps towards Connection

The next time conflict arises and try using the following steps:

Become aware of the physical, emotional and mental cues that signal you are feeling wounded and are preparing to lash out or run away:

• PICTURE A STOP SIGN
• Take as many breaths as you need to in order to soothe yourself
• Become aware of the story you are telling yourself and buying into.
• If you are still reactive call a time out.
• During the time out look at your own actions (How did I contribute to the conflict? What is my wound that is being touched by my partner?)
• Come back, invite your partner to visit your world only bringing their heart, eyes and ears
• Share what you have discovered about yourself, your triggers, your reactions with your partner.
• Share how you would like to be different, what needs healing, what in you needs to grow.
• Thank your partner for listening as this is truly a gift.-Acknowledge and appreciate each others effort.

For more information about our services please feel free please visit my website at http://www.acaringcounselor.net/