Shift from reacting to responding with a compassionate heart...

Whether you're aware of it or not we all have our hots spots or sensitive issues that go off when we're triggered by some action, word, sight or sound that sets off any feeling of pain or discomfort. I say that our default button is set on react and defend rather than relate and respond when we get triggered. It's not you're fault, my fault or anyone's. It's a survival mechanism that's helped us survive since we've been on this planet. So the problem isn't this survival mechanism. The problem starts when we are reacting to things that aren't dangerous and life threatening as if they were. When this happens I say that our default button is hyper sensitive and becomes trigger happy. When we react to situations, thoughts, external events as if they are a threat we suffer. We suffer because the moment we're triggered and go into reactive mode we either push others away, withdraw and isolate ourselves or attack with words of physical violence. So the thing that we are usually seeking, which is safety becomes elusive because of our actions. (unless you are really in danger such as being stalked by a lion, or someone is trying to mug you in which case you need to react!) It's not just safety we're seeking it is also connection. We want to feel heard, seen, understood and loved. Both safety and connection are essential to our well-being. Without them our emotional and physical well being suffers. So how do we help ourselves? 

Notice what happens to your body, mind and heart when you are triggered...

One way is to begin to notice what happens to your body, mind and heart when you get triggered. What triggered you isn't as important as your reaction to the trigger. So you can get caught up in the content or story or you can begin to notice how you are reacting to the situation. For example, say that I am on my way to meeting and am running late. As I get on the expressway I notice that traffic is very slow and I end up stuck in  a traffic jam for the next 30 minutes. I can either spend those 30 minutes cursing the traffic and drivers around me, beating myself up for not leaving earlier, feeling angry at my boss for scheduling a meeting at this time or I can begin to notice how I'm reacting to the situation. I might notice that my muscles are tense and I feel anxiety in my belly. Instead of feeding the anxiety with worry thoughts, I might begin to breathe and allow the anxiety to be there. Along with being present with these feelings I can bring a feeling of compassion to the anxiety in acknowledgment that this is a moment of suffering. Being compassionate is what helps alleviate the suffering and it can also help to calm the body, mind and heart. Just like this small example there are many different examples that you can use from your own life to help yourself during times of stress and suffering. These moments are pivotal in learning how to shift from living mindlessly and reacting to life to living mindfully and responding to pain with a compassionate and wakeful presence. One keeps you stuck in a place of pain and the other helps you respond to pain and move through it in a compassionate way. 

Learn to cultivate a peaceful and loving heart...

See the world with an open and awakened heart instead of a judgmental, stressed out and reactive body, mind and heart. 

• Take breaks throughout your day to be present in your body and pause the torrents of thoughts, stories and reactions.
• You might practice with one word such as Peace...breathe in peace...breathe out peace 

This is a gift of living, breathing and being present and connected with this precious life around and within. Practice compassion and loving kindness to live mindfully and awaken the heart.

May you be peaceful

Help! I lost My Other Half!

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

I remember the first day, the first moment that I met my husband. It was as if time stood still and it was just the two of us, gazing into each others eyes. We talked for hours. We spoke about nothing and everything. In my eyes it was the most brillant, interesting conversation I'd ever had with anyone. It was that "I found my soulmate!" moment. He talked and I listened. I talked and he listened. Oh what a perfect couple we made! Until...

I started noticing at times, when I spoke, he'd get a glazed look in his eye and wasn't really listening. Or he would talk to me and my mind would be elsewhere (like thinking about how I really needed to go to the grocery store right in that moment!). We'd end up getting angry, throwing sarcasm, blame and criticisms at each other. He'd say that I wasn't interested in what he had to say and I would yell back that maybe this was because all he did was talk and never listen. Little things like this started happening more often and soon the rosy glow of first love started to fade.

Essential Ingredients of a healthy, loving relationship...

If we kept going down this path we would have ended our relationship. Fortunately, the foundation of our love for each other, the friendship, connection and respect we have for each other is strong enough to help us learn from our differences, our past hurts and where we still need to grow. We've had our fair share of highs and lows, just as life does, but overall we have learned a great deal about areas that are tender and in need of healing and areas that have been stunted in growth and need to be encouraged to develop



Growth and healing can only happen in relationships if you are willing to risk. If you can open up to your partner and speak from the heart, then your relationship has the potential to help you connect with the joy, lifeforce and aliveness that is present in each and everyone of us.

Developing an intimate relationships is a lifelong journey!

It means opening yourself to being seen both for what you love about yourself and what you don’t. It also means being vulnerable and open to getting hurt by the Other. Because there are two different people with their own experiences, views, feelings, etc. conflict will happen and can be a catalyst for personal and relational change. You can’t have intimacy with out risk. Learning how to move towards intimacy with openness, curiosity and a desire to know the other is the key. It's a skill that all of us are capable of learning. It's not easy and sometimes we need support along the way.

Are you ready to take the plunge?

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balanced, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit: http://www.acaringcounselor.net/

Blame: The Poison that Destroys Relationships

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you" - Wayne Dyer

Want to save your relationship? Want to put an end to the blame game? Well there is a way out of the power struggle and it begins with you!

Most of us know when we are being blamed. It's usually in the words we hear. Things like "It's all your fault!" or "You did that on purpose!" However, it is harder to know when we are the ones doing the blaming. Part of what makes it difficult to recognize is that protecting or defending ourselves against pain is instinctual. Our immediate reaction to pain is to try to make it go away. In fact, the stronger the pain, the harder we try to eliminate or minimize it.

Physical pain (if not severe) can be easier to deal with. If you have a headache, you take medicine and in 15 minutes or less the pain is gone! Emotional distress or pain is a very different story.

When we are in emotional pain we usually look around for the culprit and if we identify our partner as the one who caused it we immediately go into blaming mode. This only leads to increased pain and frustration.

You know you are blaming when you engage in any of the following behaviors:

- If only you wouldn’t do _ I wouldn't have done that!
- You always make me feel ___
- It’s all of your fault!
- You never listen!

Blaming keeps you stuck in some of the following ways:

- When you blame someone else it keeps you in the role of victim/matyr
- Blame leads to feelings of anger and resentment, which contributes to distance and pain in relationships.
- It blocks you from getting what you want and being able to take an active role in your own life!

It's much easier to blame someone else then it is to take responsibility for your own reactions, choices, behaviors, thoughts, or feelings.

So where does it all begin?

WE LEARN DEFENSIVE/PROTECTIVE BEHAVIORS FROM AN EARLY AGE

This picture demonstrates how early we start learning to protect and defend ourselves! There is a valid reason for this behavior. It is a coping skill that we learn in order to survive in our environment (at home, in society, with friends).

If we grew up in homes where making mistakes was not tolerated and the consequences doing so were painful then blaming others may have become a way of life. After all safety is the key to survival! On the other hand we may have learned to take the blame or to take responsibility for anything and everything that went wrong. Either one of these behaviors; is an extreme and leads to building up defenses to cover our vulnerability.

Reacting defensively doesn't help us get what we want in relationship. It hard to connect with a loved one when we are armored, protecting ourselves or engaging in defensive behaviors.

So what is the answer? How can we change this behavior?

THE ANTIDOTE TO BLAME

The key is to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and experiences; learn from them and make a conscious effort to make healthier and healing choice. Putting this into practice can be extremely difficult and challenging. What's difficult about it? Well it requires that you be vulnerable, let go of defensiveness and really take a look at your part in the conflict.

The challenge is to look at your self and ask, "How are my thoughts, behaviors, choices or feelings contributing to what is going on in my relationship?" or ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

TO GET SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Try the following exercise to help you switch from blaming to taking responsibility:

Make a list of the things that frustrate you about your spouse . For example, "I hate it when I have something important to share and my partner doesn't listen to me."

Become aware of the story you tell yourself about what this means. (When my partner doesn't listen to me it means that he doesn't care about me!

Take responsibility for how you react or feel when this happens. Following the above example if I then get defensive and yell at him or shut down and refuse to talk to him, I contribute to the conflict."

Instead I can request a time to talk to him without distractions.

I can put myself in my partner’s shoes and realize that there may be deeper issue here and they may have difficulty talking about certain touchy subjects.

I can invite my partner to discuss this letting him/her know that I really want to understand.

The bottom line is that you can't change your life by blaming others. You can only change your life by taking responsibility for yourself and making healthier, empowered choices.

Cindy Ricardo is a Certified Imago Therapist and a LMHC. She has a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida where she provides individual and couples counseling. Cindy also runs workshops for Couples helping them learn how to create loving, intimate and supportive relationship. If you would like more information please contact her at 954-793-6442, email her at acaringcounselor@yahoo.com or visit her website at http://www.acaringcounselor.net/